i think its called czechoslovakia?

2011-12-12T07:18:00.002-06:00

It seems my whole life ive had this idea that romance should be tragic.
I don’t know if that’s because ive never actually experienced REAL romance before, or because I feel like if something is good then it needs to be hard.

My favorite movie of all time is titanic.
People make a joke out of this, which I completely understand, but a friend once told me that you can learn a lot about a person and their philosophy on life just by knowing what their favorite movie is.

When I told this friend that mine is titanic, she immediately proceeded to tell me that im a romantic, but that I love the melancholy of life.
This is true.

Ive always just accepted this fact about myself, but lately ive been trying to discover what it IS that makes me like sad songs, hard movies, tragedy, struggle...

why do I find beauty in this?

Why do I LOVE to come home, put on slow sad music, and to sit in the presence of the melancholy and embrace it?

--------

I think its because I feel like its honest.
Maybe it’s a twisted view on this world, but it seems like the only time I feel like people are being honest is when they are talking about pain.

This hits somewhere deep at my problem of trust.

Its something I have come to struggle with in the past couple of years...
Trusting people.

I doubt when people tell me nice things, give me compliments, speak well of me...
I even doubt when people speak nicely about other people or about their own lives.

Im always trying to see what is going on at a deeper level... What the real problem is. WHERE the problem is.

I don’t know when I became such a skeptic.

---

ive been challenged to choose instead to trust.
to enjoy.
to live life.
and to hope for something better.

im working on that.

2010-10-14T13:47:00.001-06:00

Jesus doesn't say be a Peace Lover.
He says be a Peace Maker.

birthday blues turned bright.

2010-10-11T09:15:00.003-06:00

the past few days i was in a really bad mood about my birthday.
im not really sure why, exactly, but i just wasn't looking forward to it.

it turned out to be a SPECTACULAR day.
lots of friends, lots of LOVE, and i feel like its still going on.

im excited for my 26th year of life.

for learning how to love people better.
for beauty and creation
for adventure and challenges

ive already made a few changes...
more to come on this. :D

all that to stay, its funny, because
(and most people probably dont know or wouldnt guess this about me)
it is sometimes a struggle for me to be around people a lot,
to organize things,
to be in bigger groups...
but the truth is that every time i make myself do it, i enjoy it.

i think relationships scare me.
but they are ALWAYS worth it.

cooking for one.

2010-09-19T11:27:00.002-06:00

the thing about cooking for one is that you can't really make dessert.

2010-09-13T13:46:00.002-06:00

ain't it like most people,
i'm no different.
we love to talk on things we don't know about...

thank you Avett Brothers for these words of truth.

something that i don't really know much about is how to FULLY live.

i was reading a blog the other day, from this girl i know, who just LIVES.
she loves people, and she experiences things...
she sees others for who they are, and she is honest.

and i found myself envious of this life that seemed to be so FULL.

i thought, what makes a persons life like this?
circumstance?
people?
God?
hardship?
luck?

i was reminded of the time that i spent in Jamaica in college.
when i think about it,
the days in Jamaica were the days that i was probably most ALIVE.
where i cherished every moment, every child's small hand, every smile and conversation.
where i would stop by people's houses to say hello, and sit on front porches.
where i would take naps in the beds of friends
in the sunlight with tiny babies

it was life FULL and at it's best.
it was light and simple.
not easy, but...
simple.

i feel somehow that life has become heavy.
i am burdened by things.
by the world, by people, by bad weather and slow buses and angry neighbors.
i dont ENJOY the slow pace, the conversations, the lazy afternoons with families that i love.

i dont think that it is necessarily dependent upon the place,
but i know that somehow, where i am now,
its harder and harder to find this simplistic life that i once knew.
and my heart longs for it.

i cant sleep at night these days.
ive never before had a problem with sleeping,
so i don't really know what to do about it,
but i dont like it.
my mind runs and runs and never stops...

i pray for peace.
i pray for simplicity.

a new beginning.

2010-09-07T14:03:00.002-06:00

i dont mark beginnings by the new year, but by important events.
i know that moving flats might not seem like a big deal to most people, but for me, right now, it feels like one.
like its marking something new.
something different.

i feel like i finally have something that's kind of my own.
i can make what i want of it.
i can create something beautiful.
and that makes me excited.

ive realized that although i might be able to adapt to change, i don't do a very good job at embracing and fully enjoying new things.
i don't do a good job at really submersing myself into things, and allowing them to sink in and fully effect me.

i've almost cut myself off from those types of experiences in some ways...
and im not sure exactly why or how that happened.

i made a picture wall last night with wendy.
i LOVE looking at it.
it reminds me of my travels.
of the cultures and the places and the people i have been blessed to have encountered.
it contains all the things i love

trees.birds.buildings.sunshine.dulled color.melancholy.romance.

i relish good conversations with great friends.
i need more in my life.

so for now, my hope is that i will EMBRACE life.
that i will accept the things that come wholeheartedly.
that i will LOVE deeply and richly.
that i will BE with people.
that i will KNOW Christ.

warmth.

2010-05-28T23:11:00.003-06:00

when i travel i drink sprite.
i don't know why, but airplane sprite is better.
more refreshing.
and when im sitting there, and the drink cart rolls by, the only thing i ever really want is Sprite.

it feels GREAT to be home.
it's amazing really, how it actually FEELS different.

the days fly so quickly here.
i dont know if its because everything is,
almost,
new feeling...
or if its because im constantly doing something,
or going somewhere.

im not sure what it is.

but the days seem shorter,
and i find my self having less and less time to get the things i need or want to get done actually done.

and its never quite the same as i imagine it will be in my head.
but nevertheless its still pretty glorious.

i really really really really really need a rain coat...

2010-05-17T06:14:00.003-06:00

today i was wondering if you could judge people by their umbrellas.

not like JUDGE judge,
just like, you know, gain some insight into their personality.
into their life.
their feelings.

for example, i am currently carrying a compact brightish yellow umbrella.
i hope it says something like,
'even if its rainy, i have joy, most days'

or my friend carries a black umbrella with white polka dots.
to me that says,
'hey, im cute and classy'

i used to carry a clear umbrella.
i LOVED it.
im not sure what that says,
maybe,
'hey, its raining, and i like to see what rain drops look like'

----

ive also noticed that almost EVERYONE has a broken umbrella.
either the top is misshapen, there is a pointy thing sticking out somewhere, it doesnt stay up all the time...
its amazing to me how flimsy and unreliable those things can be.

---

and these are the thoughts you have when it rains for DAYS straight without any minute of reprieve...

come, my children...

2010-04-04T11:00:00.003-06:00

remember when all i wanted was to feel beautiful?
and smart. and funny.
intelligent and fashionable.
passionate and elegant.
and charming.

today, what i want is peace.
in my heart.
and in the hearts of the people around me.

today, what i want to feel is freedom.
of my savior.

today, i long for joy.
the deeply rooted kind,
that lasts for eternity.

today, i strive for community.
with questions and intimate moments.
laughs and tears.

today, FATHER, all i want is to be yours.

YOURE the GOD of this city...

2010-03-29T13:05:00.003-06:00

you know those days where nothing seems to go as you planned?
where, as time goes by, you kind of watch the events unfold, wondering where they might be going?

well this happened to me today.
things were slow, changed, canceled, rearranged...
and i kept kind of wondering to myself how things were going to turn out.

and it all culminated with me watching a man steal my bike about 10 feet in front of my eyes.

it was frustrating.
my instinct was to run after him, so i did.
but lets be honest, a man on a bike vs. a girl on foot, the man on bike is ALWAYS going to win. although, it must have been a sight to see, especially with me yelling at the top of my lungs at him in ungrammatically correct Czech.

however, this event urged me to go for a run and get out my anger.
and on which i happened to 'run into' a friend that i haven't seen in a long time.
we had a nice chat.

then it started to sprinkle.

i caught a beautiful glimpse of the city, on the bridge over the Ostravice, with the lamps in the park, and everything damp from rain reflecting the light.

and i thought to myself, i REALLY do LOVE this city.

2010-03-22T04:43:00.003-06:00

my mind has stopped working.

there are all these people and relationships and decisions and changes and happenings surrounding me.

and i feel overwhelmed.
and paralyzed.

today i was walking to the YoungLife office, and on my way from the bus stop i pass by this plot of land that is completely overgrown and covered with and surrounded by trash.

i had this really strong urge to just clean it all up.

i am fully confident that if i clean it, it will being to accumulate trash immediately and within a few weeks or months will look just the same.

but i believe that it would be worth it anyway.

i mean, thats what Christ does for us, isnt it?

He cleans up.
we make it dirty.
He cleans up again.

and its always worth it for Him.
no matter if we appreciate it, understand it, realize it, or get it dirty again.

He doesn't think twice about making things beautiful again.

2010-01-27T05:56:00.002-06:00

music makes me feel alive.

it's like, when your insides just feel like they are going to burst with joy, freedom, or sweet relief.

when the sun is pushing through the clouds in the dead of winter.

when you make a deep, life connection with someone.

it's when i have these moments,
these snatches of life,
when no words or actions can explain or do justice to the feelings i have inside,
that i long to share life with people.
with someone.

and im thankful to God, that He can see and understand and feel and relate to all the joy and the pain and the contentment and the longing.
and not just for me.
but for us.
for all of us.

i just recently heard the song, God of this city.
and there are these two lines in the song that i just cant get enough of.

:For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City :

this makes my heart soar.
the HOPE of the gospel message.
in Ostrava. in Barcelona. in Houston. in Kansas City.
in every single city, in every single country, in this world.
no matter how big or small.

and that is the TRUTH.
and i want to be a part of that.

grace all over again.

2009-11-02T15:19:00.002-06:00

im recently relearning grace.

its talked about often, practiced less.

i spent some significant time with the subject in high school, and i remember it well.
and i guess its time for me to go back there again.

i mean, i through the word around all the time like nothing
but thats different then living and experiencing it.

i listen to this sermon the other day on the train
about how God meets us in the midst of our turmoil and struggle for Him.
about how He sits with us as we fight with ourselves over what to do with our time and money and relationships.
about how He loves us for exactly who we are as we are, nothing more, nothing less.
how He blesses our absence of perfection and understanding
how He loves the desire, not just the action or achievement

and it was the most wonderful and freeing news i have heard in a long long time.

how many hours and days do i waste contemplating whether what im doing is right or good?
how much time to i spend mulling over decisions, beating myself up, or just simply not moving forward...

when in reality i should be living in the knowledge of grace and truth.

its good to be learning again.
its refreshing and joyful.
and i like it.

2009-10-19T10:57:00.003-06:00

my brain has been on overdrive lately.

there's a lot going on in there i guess.

i miss people.
and things.

i know that's vague, but hey, it's a blog.

the truth is that, well, i forgot how to be intimate with people.

i've been looking at my life in a different way lately.

and as i'm preparing for our weekend away next weekend, i've been consumed with this idea of identity.
because that's our theme.

and i think it's really getting to me.

2009-10-14T12:32:00.001-06:00

i feel really satisfied, and content, and blessed.

it was a long day.

but it's had a really great ending.

i just read a bunch of letters from people from my church.
people i know, and dont know.

and every one of them encouraging.
dripping with love and grace and blessing.

and there has been a lot of good music today.

praise GOD for life and love and joy.

humanity.

2009-09-13T14:11:00.001-06:00

One night last week I met a homeless guy waiting at a tram stop.
He started to talk with me, and although it was night and I was alone, I didn’t have any kind of fear or hesitation to begin speaking with him, despite of course the language barrier.
So we ended up getting on the same tram and sitting next to each other and speaking for awhile. But it was interesting, because as soon as there were other people around who became aware of my situation I started to feel uncomfortable.
It was obvious this man was homeless, a bit drunk, and hadn’t showered for days, but I wasn’t so concerned about these things until I was put on display in front of others.
I knew they were watching us, and I knew they were thinking how strange it was for me, this ‘normal, nice looking, young girl’ to be talking to this drunk, smelly, homeless man.

But afterward I was embarrassed at myself for being embarrassed about talking with him.
I was ashamed that I allowed these people to change the way I felt about the situation. Although I was glad that I was able to speak with him for the 20 minutes we were traveling in the same direction.

And then today, I don’t know maybe a week later, I walked into this shopping center, and there he was, with his wife, and one of my friends.
It was crazy, because I was of course glad to see my friend, and surprised to see him again. I began to pick up on what was happening, and actually this man, Vasek, had met my friend earlier.
My friend was leading a bible study at our church, and Vasek and his wife knocked on the door seeking help. My friend then took them to the shop to buy some groceries and to pick up some first aid supplies because the homeless couple had been beaten up pretty badly.

Anyway, it was a really crazy situation and experience. The truth is, I didn’t even really need anything at the store, I just had the feeling like I should stop by on the way home, so I did.

And it was crazy also because of course Vasek and his wife were so overly thankful and overjoyed and humbled, and my friend was explaining to them that of course he wanted to help… and then he was telling them that they are people, just like him and me.

And this was something they couldn’t believe, or comprehend.
They aren’t treated like people by anyone else in society.
People walk right around them, don’t acknowledge them, and definitely don’t help them.

I was just standing there thinking, if only we, as humanity, could see each other as who we really are.

Like if we could see everyone around us as people, created by and for God, what a different life and perspective we would have.

gotta say mmm.

2009-09-10T14:03:00.003-06:00

alright.
so ive been working on this paper for theology, and my topic is government.

its huge and overwhelming, and more work and information then what i was expecting, but i like it.
i like reading and writing and trying to form and put thoughts together to make sense.
i like challenging my brain.
but it hurts too,
its sometimes really hard for me to push through.

its like with running.
i went running yesterday with my roommate.
and the thing is, i LOVE running.
but, im not very good at pushing myself past my comfort zone.
like i know my legs can move faster, but i dont really want to make them.

and thats kind of how i feel with life right now.
stuck in this place of comfort.
wanting to be stretched.
wanting to feel the joy and the exhaustion of a life well lived.
but its hard.

and im missing intimacy with God.

but i have to say i LOVE this place called the czech republic.
absolutely and completely.
for all its faults and failures, for all its funny culture idiosyncrasies...
i LOVE it.

maybe my head will explode.

2009-08-03T14:25:00.003-06:00

im starting to enjoy long runs again.

and i have this craving to write.
in my head there is an ongoing narrative that seems to be part of my subconscious.
i dont really have control over it, it just comes up in the moments i choose to absorb my surroundings and just be.
i like the feeling and i want to get it out

ive realized that trying to completely cut yourself off from something you love is a bad idea, even if the thing itself isnt always that good for you.
to set up such strict rules, at least for me, only works for a short time.
i begin to feel like im in complete control of myself and my life, and thats about the time that everything starts to fall apart again.

i was watching lost last night, and first of all its really addicting...
but i realized i dont agree with the theology it portrays, and i had a pretty spiritually revolutionary moment.

the show was basically saying that we have a path, like a destiny for our lives, and that it doesnt really matter what we think we want to do, because we are actually meant for something specific.

so in one small way i agree... the fact that God created us and has us on this earth is pretty spectacular, and i believe He uses all of us for His plan of reconciling the world back to Himself.
BUT on the other hand, i believe that the weight of free will is so present in this world that we have a choice to make about who we will love, where we will live, which battles we choose to fight.

and that makes me crazy and sick and excited and full of energy and passion and fear.

but i guess the great thing is that we arent living this life for ourselves, or on our own, but instead Christ lives in us, so that in fact, if we allow it, HE will guide us and lead us every step of the way.
and thats where the comforting part comes in.

this post is a mess.
but these are my thoughts as of late.
im trying to figure out some things.
some choices, some decisions, some things about the person that God made me to be.
and im struggling to fight for community.

2008-12-24T05:39:00.002-06:00

im currently experiencing the effects of jet lag...

it feels nice to be home again.

life in czech was moving pretty fast before i took off.
as usual, the holiday season there too was full of parties, concerts and activities,
and before i left last week i attended a Christmas concert from one of the schools i have a relationship with and know quite a few students from.

for some reason, the song 'open the eyes of my heart' was apart of their program, in the midst of maybe 10 or 15 other classic Czech Christmas carols.

so here they were, 80 or so students singing 'open the eyes of my heart' in a packed church at noon on a thursday.
and there i was, standing at the back, watching as they swayed and sang and pronounced the unfamiliar english words ever so carefully.

and i had a vision of czech youth.

it seems like this moment was actually a perfect and beautiful and strange and tragic picture of czech students everywhere. singing along to words that are asking God for more, that are pleading with the Lord to reveal Himself to them, while not really having a grasp on what they are saying, and lacking the meaning or motivation behind it.

i felt like the whole generation of czech students flashed before my eyes, and i saw the state of their heart. so desperate for God, and so lacking in knowledge of who He is.

and then i realized thats actually the state of every single one of us.

and i was moved.

2008-11-26T11:51:00.002-06:00

you could go ahead a say im pretty frustrated

well, actually im not sure if frustrated is the best word to use here,
maybe its more like confused, or upset, or unsure...

basically, i just feel like i dont know how to share the love of Christ.
i dont know how to talk to people about church.
i dont know how to give people a vision for something more, or how to get people excited about Jesus, or how to make people care.

i took this strengths finders test sometime last month.
we had to take it for YL training.

the truth is, i have a love/hate relationship with these things.
i mean lets be honest, they can be a bit cheesy, and a bit, well, broad, if you will.
but this one i just took said this about me:

Your introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontent as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceives.

i think this is the current struggle i find myself in.
it also says this:

you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities

and at the end it says:
but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life’s mysteries.

its funny because in someways what this silly strength finder tells me is comforting to hear.

i think that is the continued thing the Lord is showing me.
His faithfulness.
over and over again, without fail.

there is an american couple visiting ostrava this week, kind of a preview trip as they decide if they want to move out here and work for YL next year.
anyway, i was sitting in a pub last night talking with the woman, just kind of going through some of the struggles i have had since i first moved here, how those have changed, and just really reviewing the last year and where i and our team has come. it was amazing for me to see the places that God has taken me, the ups and downs and ins and outs He has carried me through. His hand guiding, protecting and loving me through it all.

and most of all His faithfulness in all of it.

He took me out of my comfort zone, away from all those i love and who love me, and brought me into a community and a culture completely different from what i knew. He forced me to work with people who didnt think or do things the way i would, He made me live in a place where i cant properly communicate with those around me, and He did it all because He loves me.

and the best part is that He did it all with me.

most days i have no idea what im doing.
most days i feel ineffective, useless, confused, tired, lost...

but for His faithful companionship, i am forever thankful.

these beliefs do not represent young life or any other organization, they are simply the products of my rambling mind.

2008-11-06T16:09:00.002-06:00

ive gotten into a few political 'conversations' lately.

i wonder why huh?

the funny thing is, im not even that well educated on the subject.
i can honestly say i have no idea what is ACTUALLY going on in iraq.
ive read some stuff, i heard some stuff from people who have been there, i know people in the military, but if i was really honest with myself, i dont know whats going on there. i dont know what good or bad we have done. and i dont know what is the best for the Iraqi people. i dont even know whats best for the american people.

but the truth is i do have some very deep convictions in my heart.
i firmly believe that it is not in the Lords will for us to kill anyone.
i dont think we have the right to that judgment.
i dont care if they have killed everyone i know, i still dont believe its my right to take anyone's blood on my hand.

and i ask, Lord is that a wrong conviction?
and if it is, please Lord, take it from me

is that something that i have contrived in my head, or is that based on Your teaching?
does Your law not say that we are to forgive 7 times 70?
am i wrong to say that there should be absolutely no limit to the amount of times we forgive people?

shouldnt we as 'christians' be setting the standard for a willingness to give our money and our resources to other people?
our money is not our own.
and our possessions arent either.

and this is the church's job.

i fully support and stand on that.

but is it bad to make it the governments job to?
if america was founded on christian principles, and if america claims to be a christian nation, then should we not cling to the very principles of Christ?

should we not fight for equality for all?
should we not try and make the gap between the rich and the poor smaller?
shouldn't we always turn the other cheek?
shouldn't we not only not commit murder, but also not say a single bad thing about another?

who are we to judge?
when did that leave God's hand and enter into ours?
and since when did we become so righteous as to judge another mans sin as worse than our own?

i dont know.
i dont have the answers.

i definitely dont think politics is the solution.

i believe that christians should rally around Christ and His teachings.
i believe that we should be unified under His name.
i believe that, as Jesus taught us to pray, that His will should be done
'on earth as it is in heaven'
i believe that we should forgive people their debts, as He forgives ours
i pray that God will deliver us from evil,
for HIS is the kingdom and the power and the glory.

not ours. not americas. not anyones but His.

im back in the game!

2008-11-02T13:43:00.001-06:00

no but seriously, i have been newly and freshly inspired by my time in america.
and im going to try and commit to blogging again.

im currently sitting in the lambert-st. louis international airport.
i honestly cant believe i have internet here, and im also not sure if maybe im stealing it?

i cant even tell you how many times ive been sitting in this airport, waiting for a flight, and pretty crucial times too.

but the past two weeks ive been loved on and encouraged and refreshed.
its been so much more 'normal' then i was expecting, and time in houston and in missouri was incredible.

on the practical side of things, the wedding in houston along with doctors appointments consumed most of my time there, but seeing friends from high school was so fun. those guys just really know how to have a good time.

and in my tour de' missouri i got to see pretty much everyone i wanted.
and i loved every minute of it.
especially the part where i got to see obama speak.
thats when i was reminded of how glad i am to be american! : )
im kind of joking here, but not really.
it was a pretty incredible experience to be surrounded by like 40000 people.

anyway, on my drive from emmas house on bacon to the airport, i began to contemplate the reality of returning to the czech.
its just a tough transition, and i had forgotten how good it is to be with people here. and how i have just been so completely exhausted with building new relationships and trying to sustain them that i have been utterly selfish in terms of trying to keep in touch with people from home.

ive realized that the people that are in my life in america are people that make me come alive.
they are people that love me and allow me to be who i am.

i thought it was about being known and understood,
but i think ive realized its actually not about that.

what its actually about is people who allow you to be that person that will probably never be understood.
its about people who allow you to flourish, not who stifle you and try to box you in, figure you out, and hold you to some kind of religious, social, political, or world expectations.

so my hope for my return to ostrava?
that i will remember the freedom that i experienced here.
that i wont be selfish with my time, but commit to keeping in touch, because while ive seen that relationships can be sustained through time and overseas, its just so much better to communicate.
and that i will love people better, deeper, and more genuinely by enabling them to flourish into who they are created to be.

praise God for life.
and fall trees.

2008-02-25T03:34:00.001-06:00

i had a dream last night that i was living in america again.
i was actually able to talk on the phone to people when i wanted to.
i could understand stuff always.
but it didnt really feel great.

on friday night i went to this ball.
(balls are a really big deal here, its basically just like a big party where you dress up. similar to homecoming, but with more people then just your school)

there were a bunch of high school students there that i know and it was kind of like a ski camp follow up evening.

anyway, there was this point in the night where this really popular czech song came on. i was standing in a circle with maybe 20 people, mostly students that i work with. they were all singing at the top of their lungs and dancing to this song, and i was just standing there thinking, "is this really my life?"

it was one of those moments where everything seems so completely surreal and all i could really do is say "Father, thank you for THIS."
it was amazing.

2007-12-01T15:54:00.000-06:00

somehow God knows EXACTLY what we need, when we need it.

and the cool thing is that He doesnt just know these things,
He gives these things to us even when we don't ask for them.

this weekend really was a blessing.

2007-11-29T12:59:00.000-06:00

i think this has been the busiest week since i have moved here.

we are in more classes now, and wednesday i actually had to make lessons and teach them.
in fact, in one class the teacher actually left! hah.
and a girl asked me yesterday if i could give her private english lessons.

its funny, because i have NO training as a teacher.
but for some reason, since im a native speaker, im the expert.
its kind of a weird feeling.

ive also been kind of blah this week.
i feel bad for my roommate because she has to put up with me sorting through the moving/cultural adjustment process.
i think i would have to say that as of right now its actually getting harder, not easier.
im not sure why that is, or if its okay to feel like that.

maybe im just entering into some sort of 'realization' process.
like anyone can go anywhere for a month or two and enjoy it.
but i guess now that i have realized this is actually my life, its a bit different.

i think i thought i would be able to handle it better.
i thought that i would have no problems. that it would be pretty easy and natural.
and that i wouldnt feel the new culture to be so abrasive.

only time shall tell huh?

but at the end of the day,
sitting in the dark listening to some david gray, things are still pretty good.

praise God for life right?

Bůhví - Nad Strží

2007-11-22T16:57:00.001-06:00

i love live music.

i was origanally supposed to go to a show on wednesday night with a friend, but i somehow, ridiculously, LOST my ticket.
i was on the tram to meet her when i realized i didnt have it, so i went back home, searched frantically for about 30 min, with much despair and no results. it was pretty dissapointing.

however, today another friend invited me to go to a show with her tonight, and so i went. and it was great.

i think live music is just good for the soul.

on another note, today was thanksgiving.

if i sit down and think about it i can be sad that im missing out on being with my family, but if i made a point to share a meal with people here that i know, then it would pretty much be the same thing. without the title.

thats all ive got...
so here is a music video from the band i saw tonight.

2007-11-10T01:06:00.000-06:00

last night i hosted 4 czechs in my house.
3 of which i had never met before.

im only writing this because i think in its own small way it was one of the greatest expressions of community and the body of Christ that i have seen since i have been here.

they are from opava and were signed up to participate in the prayer room over night.
they were to take shifts through out the night, and were orginally planning to base themselves in the church.
however, the church was hosting its own event and couldnt house them, so my friend jirka asked if they could stay with me.

i live right in the center very close to the church.

anyway, it was just great.
not that we had some amazing conversations, or even spent that much time together (we were mostly sleeping)
and they mostly spoke czech and i mostly speak english.

but i was laying in my bed last night, just thinking how great it is that someone was willing to ask for a favor.
and what a blessing it was to offer some comfort to some people i didnt know and may never see again.

2007-10-30T10:43:00.000-06:00

ive realized that for me, making decisions is not something that comes easily.

its not so much that i dont know what i want to do, because in actuality i do know what i want.
its more that i just dont know whats RIGHT.
and i am not sure what other people are going to think about the things i decide.
and if my decisions effect people in positive or negative ways matters to me.
and MAINLY i have a really hard time discerning what God has to say about certain decisions.

i think that i cling so tightly to this idea that there must be a BEST decision, that there has to be one way that is right, that it causes me to really get hung up on small things.
it causes me to get hung out on big things too, but i feel better about thinking a lot about big decisions...

anyway, i spent the past two days (actually more like 24 hours) at a conference.
the topic was "how to lead the young generation to Christ"
pretty applicable to my situation you could say...

honestly, i didnt really want to go. but i did.
and im glad i did.
besides the fact that i had to have someone translate everything, i feel like i learned some stuff. and got fresh perspective.

i have a lot to think about...
like the gospel is relevant to everyone, everywhere.
BUT naturally when sharing the gospel we tend to exagerate or focus on the things that we relate to the best, or that seem to fit in nicely with experiences in our own lives. in otherwords, we contextualize it for ourselves, whether we do it consciously or not.

so basically i need to be thinking about how i can appropriately and accurately contextualize the gospel for kids that i am hanging out with, not by changing the truth and message of the gospel, but by sharing it not in ways that only relate to me and to america, but in ways that relate to them and the czech republic as well.

its not as complicated as it may sound... but i do think its important to be aware of certain aspects of Jesus that we tend to highlight in america, and instead look at the Bible and see what things God seems to think are the most important.

ALSO, im really enjoying being here. and the thought of the next three years isnt so burdensome and terribly frightening and almost unbearable feeling anymore. it actually kind of makes me really happy and excited and joyful.

so i give God praise for changing my heart in that.
and i pray that He will continue to shake me so much that myself falls out of me and only He remains.

2007-10-26T14:55:00.000-06:00

its been kind of an up and down week.

last weekend was spent away in the mountains for a film weekend. this was a combination of young life, fishnet teachers and the local CB church youth. it was a great time to get away, enjoy each other, and watch some movies. after three of the movies we had discussions in small groups, and everything went over really well.
a view from our cottage:

i was able to get some insight into the way czech high school girls think and process things, to talk about themes such as honor, good and evil, and sacrifice that were present in the movies that we watched, and to figure out which of these things are important to them.

here is a pic of katka, gabka and wendy from the weekend:

it was also kind of my first big event since ive been here, so i was able to observe how the leadership team works together, and try to figure out where i can fit into that.

the beginning of this week was also really great. i think i am getting more use to life in the czech republic. everything is pretty familiar, and i have kind of a schedule established, which is nice. im also able to hang out with high school girls a lot, which is really a blessing. AND i went to an english class in a basic school here. i will be able to start helping out in a teachers class probably twice a week, which is really exciting.

but then mid-week i think i got kind of upset.
like i began to realize and remember all the things i miss from home. and by things i mostly mean people.
and i just felt like i am missing out on so many relationships and so much life, and it just really made my heart hurt a lot.

i had a really good talk with my friend about how God wants us to love people wherever we are. and maybe God is trying to show me that i can love people and cultivate community here also. and i realized that i havent been as open or willing to let people here in, mostly because i dont think they are as good as my friends from home. which totally isnt true, and i just need to recognize that different doesnt mean worse.

my friends jonna and laura. i like them.

i also have this really great quote from anne lamott in traveling mercies.
its talking about music, and relationships, and i like it.
"we're walking temples of noise, and when you add tender hearts to this mix, it somehow lets us meet in places we couldn't get to any other way."

anyway, i could go on forever, but now that i have internet i will be able to post more often!

cau cau.

2007-10-11T05:15:00.001-06:00

so it was my birthday yesterday.
the big 23.

its funny because all day tuesday i was dreading wednesday.
it was like i just didn't want my birthday to happen at all. like i wanted to just skip over that day, and not see or talk to anyone.
im not really sure why either, maybe because i knew i wouldn't be celebrating with my family and get a yummy chocolate cake that my mom always cooks. or maybe its because i knew i wouldn't be having an ash bash. and by ash bash what i really mean is that i knew i wouldnt be surrounded by people who love me and know me and actually want to be with me.

i think i just kind of felt like i didnt want people to be forced to hang out with me if they didnt really want to or something.

BUT, it actually turned out to be a really good day.
my roommate organized this thing, and a bunch of people came over to our house to have coffee, tea and snacks.
it was just really cool to see all these people that i have known for less then a month to show up, for me.
not that its about me, but i just felt really loved.

God just kind of showed me a little piece of His love and His heart for me by giving me people who want to hang out.
i also kind of realized that even through i dont know these people here as well, and they dont "know" me that well either, they are people that i have been given the special opportunity to get to know and love and really invest in.

and thats something i should be excited about, not burdened by.

so thank you Lord, and my new friends in the czech republic for making me feel a little bit special and a lot bit loved.

2007-10-08T06:25:00.000-06:00

I have now been living in the Czech Republic for almost a month, and im not exactly sure how that makes me feel.
i have found myself consistently struggling with balancing hanging out with people my age, with high school students, with learning the language and with other assignments that come along with the internship position.
im trying to figure out what my "job" is here exactly...

how can i quantify building relationships? what kinds of things show that i am doing what im supposed to be doing? and what does it really look like to pursue people, to get into their lives, and to share Christ's love with them in ways they have never experienced before?

i have been overwhelmed with the reality that there is nothing in me alone that can do this. there is nothing about me that can survive in a foriegn country, with people, ideas, culture and a langauge that is different from mine, and make a difference in the lives of teenagers for the glory of the kingdom.
it is a humbling realization.

its also interesting to see the way that parents "protect" their children from anything that is christian, resembling a bible study, or any kind of church gathering. it makes sense that parents are weary of things they are unfamiliar with, of things that could possibly be sects or something else, but it is a different struggle then is found in the states. there is not as much "religious freedom" given to kids here, to decide for themselves what to believe or where to spend there time. and that will be a challenge that i have already begun to face.

however, the people here are great. loving and accepting, and willing to help out whenever you arent sure what you are doing or what something means... (at least for the most part) and that has been a HUGE blessing for me.

im excited to be here. im encouraged by the relationships that i am beginning to form, and im ready to dive into Christ, be challenged by His words, and experience the things that He has instore for me and His people in Ostrava.

2007-09-17T05:38:00.000-06:00

I have been living in Ostrava now for 4 days now!
and it seems as though it has been much longer then that...

I live on the 6th floor of a building that is in a group of a bunch of other buildings with my roommate Veronika.
She is the best. We get a long great, we have a lot of fun, and we have had some really good conversations already.

On my second night in town, there was a movie night put on by Fishnet, a Christian English teaching school here that works closely with Young Life. There I was reunited with some girls i met from last summer, and the had a gift for me! It was a childrens book, called "My First Book". They thought it would help me learn some Czech.

It was so great to be greeted by kids and by all the other adults that are here working with Young Life, Fishnet, and the church. I have definately felt very loved and welcome by all of them, as they are quick to include me and invite me along.
It is exciting to see all the things that are going on here, and all the ways that God is moving in the lives of teenagers and adults alike. He is really building up a great community of believers that are inturn reaching out to the community around them, and it is truly such a blessing to be a part of!

Im excited to be here. I feel like I have been busy since I have arrived, but that has been nice because I havent had much time to dwell on the fact that Im not home, and that there is no one here that i know.

When I do have some time to myself, I find that I get overwhelmed with the fact that this is my new HOME for the next three years at least, but I have to remind myself that I dont really need to be thinking about that right now!

But all in all, things are going well. It feels wonderful to finally be here, the weather has been PERFECT, there is a huge park right by my house, and everyone I have met has been extremely kind and helpful!

CAU!

2007-09-13T03:28:00.001-06:00

Ahoj!

I have arrived in the great Republic of Czech, and am currently residing in Prague, at the Gregory's house. Mr. Gregory was the previous Area Director of Prague, and has recently handed his postion over to someone new.

My almost 24 hours of travelling went... well I guess as expected.
I only had to pay extra for one bag, which was nice, but also left me with three carry-ons, two of which weighed "definately over 8 kilos" according to the flight attendent. So because of these heavily weighted bags, as I was going through security in Houston, both of them fell off the tables, and my computer, shoes and purse also tumbled out of the security bins. This was slightly embarrassing, and what made it worse was that my teary-eyed mother was there watching it all. She was probably wondering how her poor, awkward little girl would ever make it in a foriegn country!

The flight was fine, however my seat-mate, a man from India, decided he wanted to get up every hour or so and do some laps around the plane. This was quite humorous, and many people near me would laugh at him every time he did so. However, this made me quite stressed and forced me to stay half-way awake at all times, because i never knew when he would want to get up or return, and i always wanted to be available to let him in.

My layover was in Frankfurt, and let me say that this airport may possibly be the worst airport to have a layover in. Mostly because of the fact that in order to sit in a waiting area, you must have a boarding pass that is leaving from that particular gate, and to get into my gate i had to wait about 4 hours. However, I did meet a man from Africa, who is currently living in Germany and offered me a place to stay whenever i visit the country!

Finally I arrived in Prague: me, my three bags, my two over weight carry-ons, my purse and my jacket, all piled on to a cart. I was pushing it back and forth, looking for people i have never seen before, and not even sure if i was meeting a man or a woman, when i came to a bump in the floor and all my bags went flying. It was exactly at this moment when a man came up to me and asked, are you Ashley? I guess he knew i was foreign!

But alas, I am here now, well fed, clean and rested, waiting for my ride to take me home to Ostrava!!

Much love to all of you!
(and i apolize for my lengthy-ness)

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life."
Psalm 143: 8

2007-08-23T16:33:00.000-06:00

all this time i have been allowing the "unknown" to cripple me, when really it should be giving me life and freedom.

today i ran into one of my friends moms.
we talked briefly, but she made the point to mention that at this stage in our lives its really good to have the chance to figure out what we really want. she said that there is nothing wrong with waiting, and that we have the rest of our lives to be too busy with stuff. she also slipped in there that its okay if i dont end up going to the czech, or if do. thats not really what matters, and either way things will work out.

its funny because right after i saw her i listened to this sermon about Moses.
(apparently i have been listening to a lot of really great sermons lately)
but anyways, it talked about how the isrealites were guided night and day, and were also given their food daily. how they didnt really know how long they were going to stay in a place, or when they were supposed to leave, but they trusted that God would let them know and didn't act out of step with that. they also didnt know how or when their provision would come, but they trusted that as well.

the sermon goes on to talk about how Moses spent his entire life preparing for and leading people to the promised land, but he was never allowed to set foot in it. about how there was even a direct path to where they were going, but how God lead them on a much longer, and probably much harder and windier way.

the point, basically, is that God never guarantees when, where or how He will do things.
all He promises is that He will be with us and guide us every step of the way.
and He will give us just what we need to know to make the next step.

its something everyone has probably heard before,
but for me this was truth spoken from the word of God.

laughter and God's provision.

2007-08-08T21:52:00.000-06:00

i just listend to pretty much the most incredible and appropriate sermon that there could be for my life right now.

it was based on genesis 18 and 21, the promise that God made to sarah and abraham about giving them a baby.
and how it took 25 YEARS for that promise to be fulfilled.

the pastor spoke about how Gods promises tap into our greatest longings. how He makes promises and fulfills them not just for ourselves, but for His creation and for the work He is doing all over this world.

the pastor spoke about what happens when something goes wrong and we seek to take things into our own hands. like when we try to speed up the promise or something. and how that causes more trouble then waiting.

he talked about how sometimes we make the promise an idol and stop seeking God in the midst of running after the promise.

he talked about how the only thing God wants is our broken heart, and how that could be what He is doing in the process of fulfilling the promise.

and then He talked about when God does eventually provide. about how He redeems us, resurrects the hope inside us, how He makes it about Himself and not about us. how He wants to draw out the truth of who we are.

it was really good.

check it out at: http://jacobswellchurch.org/messages.html

"Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!"

Hebrews 12:1-3 - the message.

its hard, BUT

2007-07-13T08:11:00.001-06:00

i trust that God's timing is perfect.

2007-07-02T22:57:00.000-06:00

i think that leaving is getting really close.

its amazing how, today, almost an entire year after i have decided to go to the czech, i can look back and see all the ways God has been working in all this.
all the things He has been doing in my heart. all the relationships He has been strengthening and renewing. all the stuff that He has shown me about myself, about who i am and who He has created me to be.

i can finally look at this process and be thankful.

that He doesnt do these things to spite me.
He does them because He loves me.

and that is something to rejoice in.

on a different note, i have recently found out that there are two other people i will be working with that i didnt know about.

one is an intern with me and arrives in the czech july 15.
the other who has been living in ostrava for 3 years and is just now going on full time staff. he is home in the states right now but will be returning sometime around september.

its exciting to see the team of people that God is pulling together.

2007-06-06T14:26:00.000-06:00

i just talked with al and stacy.
they have found me an apartment!
its downtown ostrava, next to a tram station and a grocery store.
with good accessibility to fishnet.
and it comes with two beds and a futon!
and i bought a refrigerator!

this is becoming very real.

im hoping to be there by jr high camp on july 2.
but even if im there by sr high camp july 17 i will be okay with it.

and language school in august in prague.

bring on the adventure!

2007-05-22T12:39:00.001-06:00

its time for something new.

2007-05-17T17:02:00.000-06:00

i was kind of having a rough day and decided to go for a run. i chose some
trails that go through these woods that im not very familiar with, but
thought i would go for it anyway. i looked at the map in the
begginning, and felt like i had a good grasp on the route i wanted to
take. i began my run and was feeling pretty good... still crying a
little, but running seems to take care of most of my worries. after i
had been going for a while, i began to get worried that i was going
the wrong way. i began doubting my understanding of the trails, and
became confused as to where i was. everything was starting to look
the same, yet strangely unfamiliar. i then past some people that gave
me encouragement... i had past them earlier and we were going the
opposite direction, so it gave me hope that i was on the loop i wanted
to be. i then crossed what seemed to be a familier bridge and got
another glimmer of hope. as i kept running however, i began doubting
again. i also had to keep making decisions, right or left at a fork,
and i even began considering turning around. the only solace i had
was the image of the map in my head... i knew i had to make decisions
based on what the trails looked like from a birds eye view, and i had
to try to get in perspective the overall area of the trails. i ended
up continuing on and the moment i realized for certain i was going the
right way i began to rejoice and enjoy my run even more. i even was
questioning why i ever doubted myself in the first place.

this is where im at with the czech. im running on this path, and i
cant see the end, and im not even sure if im going the right way, but
i know i must keep going to figure out for sure. and i should try to
enjoy it in the doubts, because either way im going to end up figuring
something out... either i was on the right path from the begginning,
or i got totally off track, but still ended up finding where i was in
the end.

2007-05-12T19:57:00.000-06:00

i realized that i am afraid that God isn't enough to satisfy me.
i realized that i am afraid that when i go to the czech, that i wont feel like its enough.
i realized that i MUST trust that God is enough. He is the ONLY thing that can satisfy me.
and until i KNOW that, i will be caught in this state of limbo.

2007-05-08T19:17:00.000-06:00

today i was encouraged.

by an unexpected email.
and a bike riding adventure with my brother.
it was exactly what i have been praying for.

its good to be where im at. and if im not in the czech in june, thats okay. as terrifying as that is to say. God isnt on a time schedule. well maybe He is, but it certainly isnt mine. and sometimes all we can do is wait. and enjoy it.

2007-05-05T09:36:00.000-06:00

i need an outlet.
not really for other people, but for myself.
i feel like i am constantly in the midst of this internal struggle. like i want people to know me, i want to love people, but its like im never satisfied with relationships. i have this vision for something great, but i just cant get there.
i was talking to my friend andy about community, and he asked the simply question of why? why do you need to share your stuff with people?
it kind of caught me off guard. my immediate response would have been something like, because you are supposed to, or its good for you, or its how we are called to live, but then i realized all those answers were pretty vague and offered no "real" support to the idea of community...
i guess the reason why i think community is so important is because i know that i can not live this life on my own. theres no way i can make it, theres no way i can remain focused, that i can concentrate on whats true and right, that i can figure stuff out without the help, questions, support and guidance from other people.

so i need community to survive.
and in all honesty, i think we all need community to survive.